THE PATTERN AMONG FALLEN PASTORS

More good advice on moral integrity, this time from the Gospel Coalition . . . 

During my time in seminary I took a leadership course taught by the late, great Howard Hendricks. As we studied the life of David, Hendricks shared a study he conducted with a group of men in full-time ministry who had fallen into a morally disqualifying sin.

At the time, I had only been a Christian for a few years, but unfortunately the subject was all too relevant. During my early days I had witnessed several men whom I loved and respected fall into serious sinful compromise. At one point in those days, the falls came so frequently I felt as if I was on the spiritual beach of Normandy watching buddies’ lives get blown apart all around me.

Fallen Soldiers of Christ

The study examined 246 men in full-time ministry who experienced moral failure within a two-year period. As far as Hendricks could discern, these full-time clergy were born-again followers of Jesus. Though they shared a common salvation, these men also shared a common feat of devastation; they had all, within 24 months of each other, been involved in an adulterous relationship.

After interviewing each man, Hendricks compiled four common characteristics of their lives: 

• None of the men was involved in any kind of real personal accountability. 
• Each of the men had all but ceased having a daily time of personal prayer, Bible reading, and worship.
• More than 80 percent of the men became sexually involved with the other woman after spending significant time with her, often in counseling situations.
• Without exception, each of the 246 had been convinced that sort of fall “would never happen to me.”

As I reflect on this study, four lessons come to mind. These are applicable for pastors, plumbers, stay-at-home moms, and anyone else who seeks to follow Christ.

1. Sin thrives in isolation.

Satan lives in the darkness and longs to keep us there. Lies live best in the darkness. That’s why when God calls us to himself, he calls us into the church.

God has created the church to be many things, including a community of people who help each other fight sin and love him. He calls us into relationships where we speak truth to one another (Eph. 4:15, 25), confess sins to one another (James 5:16), and love each other enough to chase after each other if we stray (Matt. 18:10-20; Gal. 6:1-2; James 5:19-20).

Who knows you? I mean, who really knows you? Who not only has permission, but is currently acting upon that permission to ask you penetrating questions? Are you answering those questions honestly, or are you hiding details and painting over your sin to guard your image? Do not hide from God’s gracious aid of loving relationships.

2. If you flirt with sin, you will fall into sin.

Sin’s slope is slippery. The longer you walk along the edge of the abyss, the more likely that your foot will slip. The men in the study put themselves in dangerous situations again and again. They ignored the words of Solomon, who warned his sons to “keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house” (Prov. 5:8).

These men did not guard their hearts, or the hearts of the people they were supposed to be protecting. Instead, they became blinded by the deceitfulness of sin (Eph. 4:22; Heb. 3:13) and were led into the ditch of destruction (Matt. 15:14).

What ways are you flirting with sin? What provisions are you making for the flesh with regard to lust (Rom. 13:14)? What guards have you stepped over? What details are you hiding? What e-mails are you deleting? What search histories are you erasing?

Sin is crouching at your door (Gen. 4:7), and the tempter is looking for an opportunity to pounce (1 Pet. 5:8). How are you making his aim easier?

Flee from sin, don’t flirt with it (Gen. 39:6-12; Prov. 5-7, Rom. 6:12-13; 2 Tim. 2:22; 1 Pet. 2:11).

3. Pride blinds us to our weakness.

Many of us think this sort of serious sin would not happen to us, just as those fallen pastors thought. But 1 Corinthians 10:12 warns, “Let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” Let us not forget that Samson, the strongest man in the Bible; Solomon, the wisest man in the Bible; and David, the man after God’s own heart, were all overcome by the temptations of sexual sin (Judg. 14-16; 1 Kings 11:1-8; 2 Sam. 11-12; Ps. 51). No one is above the temptation to sin in grievous ways. If you doubt, you are on your way to a great fall.

Beware! Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

4. Purity is cultivated by loving Jesus.

Somewhere along the line, each of the men in the study began to drift. Prayers became less passionate. The promises of God in his Word grew dusty. Love for Jesus became something spoken of in the past tense. The seduction of sin and enticement to sacrifice all to satisfy inner longings became too strong to resist.

But Christ is stronger. Hear these words of promise afresh:

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Heb. 4:14–16)

There is no sweeter assurance of help than Christ Jesus the Lord. He stands ready at God’s right hand to supply the grace and mercy we need.

Do not allow your hearts to grow cold toward the Lord who loves you so. Draw near to him daily, moment by moment, in hopeful expectation that he is better than any fleeting pleasure that might entice your heart. Do not seek him only in days of desperation, but seek him daily. Walk with him. Rekindle passion. Plead with him to help you. He is able to do it, and he delights to do it: 

Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. (Jude 24-25)

Come Lord Jesus, come.

Garrett Kell is married to Carrie, and together they have three children. He serves as pastor of Del Ray Baptist Church in Alexandria, Virginia. You can follow him on Twitter.

10 Commandments to Help Church Staff Maintain Moral Integrity

Good advice from Rick Warren . . .

No matter how many times I hear it, it still shocks me: A pastor announces his resignation because of adultery. Often it’s with someone within his church, sometimes even someone actively involved in ministry, such as a choir member or Sunday school teacher.
It’s such an incredible waste of God’s resources that it not only grieves me, it angers me. I have told my staff that if any of them even flirt with temptation, I will come after them with a baseball bat, and I’ve told them to do the same with me.
As Christian leaders, we need to be above reproach. Paul wrote, “Don’t be so naive and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence.” (1 Cor. 10:12, Msg)
That’s why I established these Saddleback Staff Standards for maintaining moral integrity:

1. Thou shalt not go to lunch alone with the opposite sex. *
2. Thou shalt not have the opposite sex pick you up or drive you places when it is just the two of you. *
3. Thou shalt not kiss any attender of the opposite sex or show affection that could be questioned. *
4. Thou shalt not visit the opposite sex alone at home.
5. Thou shalt not counsel the opposite sex alone at the office, and thou shalt not counsel the opposite sex more than once without that person’s mate. Refer them.
6. Thou shalt not discuss detailed sexual problems with the opposite sex in counseling. Refer them.
7. Thou shalt not discuss your marriage problems with an attender of the opposite sex.
8. Thou shalt be careful in answering emails, instant messages, chatrooms, cards, or letters from the opposite sex.
9. Thou shalt make your secretary your protective ally.
10. Thou shalt pray for the integrity of other staff members.

* The first 3 do not apply to unmarried staff.

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” ~ Eph. 5:3 (NIV)

Yes, we had premarital sex while dating, but why did he commit adultery in marriage?

From Rick Thomas.

Ryan and Sally came in for counseling because Sally caught Ryan in an adulterous relationship. She was hurt and angry and the most important thing in the moment was to care for her soul.

While many things needed to be sorted out because of missing details, it was the pain she was experiencing that needed immediate counseling attention. Adultery is unlike most other sins because of the deep hurt it presses into a person’s soul and marriage.

Adultery is a hate sin

This sin has a unique aspect to it. If you sin normally, it’s between you and God. If your sin is adultery, it’s not just between you and God, but it trashes another soul too. But it’s worse than that–you are sinning against yourself because you and your spouse are one flesh.

Did you get that? Ryan sinned against himself, but the “himself” he sinned against was Sally because she is him–they are one flesh, not two people. Adultery is a strange sin.

In Ephesians Paul talked about how a lack of care for one’s spouse is a way to hate her. Some may recoil at the word hate, but that is God’s Word, not mine. The victims of adultery would not argue with Paul or God. It has the deep pain of hatred that is felt to the core of her being.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. – Ephesians 5:29 (ESV)

After a number of sessions things began to level out and Ryan and Sally were being cared for, restored to God, and restored to each other. Part of the counseling process needed to have a preventative measure to it. I did not want them go back to this place again, but in order to accomplish this we were going to have to do some deep digging.

Sally certainly did not want it to happen again. Therefore, we had to think about why it happened and how both Ryan and Sally needed to change their views about God, each other, and their marriage.

One of the interesting things that came out of this conversation was how the adultery was not an anomaly, but a continuation of a lifestyle that had been in place for nearly thirty years. Let me explain.

The complexity of the sinning victim

Sally and Ryan have known each other since they were in high school. They both are in their late forties now. They began dating in their junior year of high school and separated briefly during college and resumed their relationship in full after their respective college graduations.

Essentially, they were dating for six years before they were married. During this time they engaged in premarital sex, what the Bible calls fornication. I was not surprised by this, which is why I always ask a couple going through adultery if they fornicated during their dating years.

In almost every case the couple had indulged in premarital sexual sin. Adultery usually has a tail that can be decades old. Adultery does not just happen. There are patterns, as well as a lifestyle that precedes the spouse hopping in bed with another person.

It was hard for Sally to hear she was part of the problem and part of the pattern in her husband’s life. While she was not responsible for his sin, she was grossly irresponsible during the dating relationship and during the marriage.

She never made this connection. As noted by the title of the article, somehow she had convinced herself that sexual fornication and sexual adultery were on different planes and had no relationship to each other.

The complexity of intellectual dishonesty

Truthfully, there is hardly a difference between sexual sin before marriage and sexual sin while married. Who wants to parse out those differences? It’s futile and wrongheaded.

Somehow she had compartmentalized their fornication and recast it as love. The adultery, according to her self-denial, was another story altogether. It was sin, wrong, harsh, uncalled for, against God, against her, evil, of the devil, and a few other condemnatory things.

While I agree on all her descriptors about what adultery is, I would also say those descriptors apply to fornication too. Her guilt before God is no different than Ryan’s guilt before God when it comes to their choice to commit sexual sin.

Do you think God would say, “Sally, your fornicating sexual sin before you were married is not as bad as your husband’s adulterous, sexual sin after you were married.”

There may be a difference in shades of black, but if you group one sexual sin as “better” than another sexual sin, you’re playing intellectual games, while trying to protect something.

Rather than Sally trying to set herself apart as a better sinner, lesser sinner, not-as-bad-as-him-sinner, it would be more honest for her to own what she did and seek to repent to God and Ryan. It would be wise and humble for Ryan to do the same.

The reason this is important is because it is honest and until they come full circle and deal with all the sinful sexual dysfunction in their lives, they will not be able to get real life-changing help.

You can’t divorce the sexual sin during the pre-marriage years from the sexual sin during the married years. They are contiguous and progressive. Sally wanted to think her husband loved her and they were making loveas teens.

She also wanted to think her husband did not love the adulterous woman and it was sinful sexual lust. She was right only on the latter assessment. Her husband was in love with himself when they were dating and that has never changed.

Rooting out the painful causes of adultery

If you would like to read the rest of this article click Fornication and Adultery and head over to our Member Site.

For further reading

I have written one eBook and other articles on the devastating short-term and long-term effect of sexual sin.

• You can download my FREE eBook, So, You Want to Get Married?
• Sex before marriage leads to a trail of tears.
• What to do when your knight in shining armor gets rusty, dinged, and dented.
• Surviving adultery.
• Sexual Distortions: From bad sex to best sex.

photo credit: pasukaru76 via photo pin cc